Coachella just happened, and that meant lots and lots of ugly random fashions. Festival fashion is rarely stylish; usually, it’s vapid and stupid. It also promotes rampant cultural appropriation, which sucks. Listen, if your headdress upsets indigenous people, don’t wear it. Because native Americans have been through enough, and they don’t need eager concert goers adding insult to their misery. This year’s Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival kicked off on April 14, 2017. In honor of what was surely a horrifying time for fashion, here’s the worst Coachella festival fashion choices.
15. Granny Panties
Here’s a trend no one wanted, but we’re all forced to endure: granny panties under long see-through kaftans. What in the actual fuck is going on at Coachella that women want to simultaneously show off their figures, but also ruin them in giant period panties? If your belly button disappears under your underwear, they’re too big. End of story.
I’m down with freeing the tatas, but your outfit is hideous. It’s a crime of fashion, and a cry for attention. Here’s the thing about these brave women (and they are brave to go topless among all that bro-culture), they’re doing it for social media likes. It’s so insincere and lame. It’s not self-expression, it’s selfie expressions of a media-obsessed culture that will do anything to get a like or share on Facebook.
13. Fur Boots And Face Masks
What is this look? My extremities are freezing, but the rest of me is too hot for actual clothes? It’s like they forgot to put on the rest of their furry costumes, and also want to rob a bank later. The dust mask I understand. Dust storms are common at Coachella, sometimes kicking up dirt at speeds breaking 20 mph. The boots I can’t wrap my mind around. It’s California, so it’s really hot, right? But, those boots could warm up an igloo. It’s senseless hideous fashion.
12. Wacky Hipster
I’m not going to hate on the regular Coachella hipster fashion trend (daisy dukes and band t-shirts). It’s concert wear and it’s not great, but it is what it is. What I won’t tolerate not making fun of is insane hipster fashion. What are those overalls? What is that mustache? Why are blue overalls paired with green sneakers, and what are those sunglasses? Someone stop this man and tell him to stop, to just knock it off already.
11. Big Floppy Hats
How unoriginal are these people in their floppy hats in muted earth tones? It’s so rudimentary, it comes in the basic bitch starter kit they sell alongside tickets to this terrible event. Just kidding, there’s no basic bitch starter kit. You can put one together if you shop at Anthropologie though, if you really want one. The floppy hat is one of those accessories that tells people, I just really want others to compliment me on this hat. Like an episode of The Twilight Zone, a regular person’s hell is showing up to Coachella and realizing everyone is wearing the same hat, and congratulating each other for it.
In a trend that screams, “I’m a basic bitch,” wearing white to Coachella is a huge mistake. Every year, a parade of clones storms the festival in vintage-inspired hippy wedding dresses. It’s like a giant backyard wedding and everyone is the bride. Mod Cloth sells out of white kaftans and hippy bodycon dresses this time of year. In an effort to stop reliving the endless procession of white pageantry, I beg you to think of grass stains and ketchup-covered hot dogs you’re sure to encounter at Coachella this year. Don’t wear white.
9. Horse Heads
The horse head trend was funny, but it’s run its course. It’s over. Horse heads are stupid now, so stop wearing them. Did that work? No, people will still show up to next year’s Coachella wearing horse heads. They’re that popular among frat douches and bro’s; it’s a trend that won’t die as long as there is a culture willing to slide their heads into plastic and feel original because they copied a meme.
8. Flower Crowns
Sara Lieberman, of The Daily Beast, perfectly explains why flower crowns suck so I don’t have to: they’re “phony.” She writes, “…the crown itself (or headband or cluster of buds) screams disingenuous. You did not pick a few wildflowers from the lawn at Yasgur’s Farm and fashion them into a headpiece while listening to Ritchie Havens perform ‘Freedom.’ No, you probably hired a florist or, worse, went to Zara or TopShop – one of the many chain shops that now tout faux-flower crowns for upwards of $50 – and purchased a headdress, which you then artfully arranged on your well-coiffed head before skipping off for drinks at the Mondrian rooftop.”
7. Ridiculous Sunglasses
How do you fuck up sunglasses? I don’t know, but people do it all the time at Coachella. If the sunglasses don’t feature a ridiculous pattern, they’re impossible to see out of. It’s pointless eyewear, much like the pointlessness of Coachella, which is a festival more about being seen than being scene, more motif than music, more meta than metal. It just sucks, okay?
6. Space Invaders
You’re the only person that matters, so go ahead and put on that cumbersome costume that is certain to bother your neighbors. You’re special. You’re unique. They don’t matter as much as you, even if they did spend a small fortune to sip $15 artisan cocktails and view an ocean of floppy hats. You’re better than them, and so is the seven-foot wingspan of your metal angel wings. You do you, you selfish bastard.
5. Native American Headdresses
If everyone who attends Coachella has an Instagram and Facebook account, why are there so many native American headdresses? It makes zero sense because they spend enough time online to have viewed one of the countless articles explaining why this trend is terribly offensive, and isn’t the whole festival just a circle jerk for SJW types? You’ll see an endless parade of Antifa and #NoDAPL t-shirts and people passing out Environment California fliers, but you’ll also see a bizarre amount of exaggerated, stereotypical headdresses.
4. Body Painting
Sometimes body painting works. It’s cool, colorful, spunky, and maybe it glows in a black light. Do this. Be a work of art, but don’t just slap on some colors so you have an excuse to walk around naked. You look childish because you are, and also racist if your body paint is appropriating a culture you don’t belong too. Don’t be dumb. Leave the body paint at home.
3. Borat’s Bathing Suit
The mankini was fun for a minute, but these slingshot bikinis need to die alongside impersonations of Borat himself. Just put on shorts and a t-shirt, and live your damn life without a yellow/green mankini wedged up your butt crack. You’ll be happier if you avoid this trend, I promise you.
2. Jean On Jean On Jean
There’s such a thing as too much blue jean. Don’t pair your jeans with a jean jacket. This was done in the 80s, and it was lame them and it’s lame now. It’s not a good look, so don’t do it. Also, maybe don’t make stuff out of your jeans, such as purses and shirts. It’s dumb to upcycle your old jeans. I may be alone in thinking that, and I don’t care.
1. Repurposed Trash
Oh, wow your patchwork pants are awes…HORRIBLE. They are hideous and they’re hippy cultural appropriation, and you made them just for Coachella, and you should be very ashamed of yourself. You’re not poor with holes in your pants that require patches and new stitching. If you were poor enough to need patchwork pants, you wouldn’t be at Coachella, the luxury festival for luxury hippies. So stop crocheting lace trim into your DIY shorts turned jean skirt (or asking an older family member to do it for you). It’s time to stop.