Sunday, April 1, 2012
A is for Astrology
Last night, I posted my Taurus Horoscope, but I've rethought that post, as it's not engaging for anyone who isn't a Taurus and it wasn't funny. So, I wrote these evil horoscopes for all to enjoy.
I've exercised my astrological skills, researched your star sign and have written horoscopes for ALL of my readers. Find your sign below and read your daily evil horoscope.
Not meant to be taken seriously!
Aquarius (20 January - 18 February) - It's common knowledge you're a compulsive liar. For this reason, it's recommended that you only speak to perfect strangers today. Test a new lie out on a member of the opposite sex and there may be financial gain in your near future. Don't stick around too long because everyone eventually figures out that you're a jerk.
Pisces (19 February - 20 March) - Please keep your advice to yourself today, Pisces. No one wants to hear it, they never have. Relationships take a bitter turn today when you realize that you’re not actually attractive. This was a misconception deeply rooted in your vivid imagination. It’s time to realize that no one is taking you seriously, but you won’t, because you live in a fantasy land.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Aries, it’s time to wake up and smell the McDonald’s coffee you stole from work. No one wants to ride in your car because it’s filled with to the brim with energy drinks and dirty napkins. You’re still talking, but your friends stopped listening months ago. They’re just not telling you, because they’re afraid you’ll beat them up.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Taurus your life is marred by failure, despite your determination. Your friends laugh at your stupidity behind your back. The only reason you have friends is because your house is so comfortable. The stars suggest that the cashier at Pier 1 hates your face.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – There are two people living inside you, Gemini. This makes you a schizophrenic and the stars predict you’ll end up somewhere with soft, white walls. You’re so insane you argue with yourself, and when you don’t win you kill yourself. That’s okay. There are two of you anyway.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – It’s unfortunate Cancer, but you’ll be boring forever. Your lack of friends is in direct correlation to your lack of imagination. The stars suggest plagiarism if you’re not content to die alone. Your relationship match is Scorpio. Your Scorpio partner will never work and sponge off you forever, but anything’s better than what you’re doing now. Your best bet is to remain a sycophant.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Leo, please release the death grip on your genitals. Everyone knows you’re a chronic masturbator. Your plan to shout the secrets of your friends using a bullhorn later will blow up in your face.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – It is common knowledge that Virgos are full of shit. For this reason, the stars recommend not showing up to work tomorrow acting as though you already knew the bullet points of the String Theory, and instead just admit you stayed up late watching PBS. Your obsession with sex is marred by your obsessive compulsive tendencies.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Libra, you haven’t been to a party in over a year, but that doesn’t mean they’re not happening. You’re just not invited. Your inflated ego and sharp attitude are the reason no one will attend your funeral.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 22) – Your lack of ethics will lead to a murderous end. You will inevitably attach yourself to a sucker, possibly a Leo or a Cancer. People are much happier when you don’t come out of your Star Wars themed basement, than when you do.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – The stars suggest that you stop standing by the water cooler. People are thirsty, but avoiding you. No one is laughing at your jokes, except for you. You’re a notorious drunk and you have an insatiable sexual appetite, but no one will sleep with you.
Capricorn (December 23 – January 22) – Capricorn, your days of working as a late night convenience store worker will never end. No one remembers your name and they never will. The stars recommend avoiding Romantic Comedies when you’re searching for movies to watch alone. They will only bring you closer to suicide.